


Flimsy Premise: An Audio Track

by aldiara



Category: Alles was zaehlt
Genre: Alles was zählt - Freeform, Alternate Universe, Crack, Humor, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-12-01
Updated: 2010-12-01
Packaged: 2017-10-13 11:43:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,218
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/136965
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aldiara/pseuds/aldiara
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Transcript based on an audio-only track recorded by the security system at Steinkamp Sports & Wellness one night, after the cameras had regrettably been sabotaged under mysterious circumstances. Essen's police force is still investigating.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Flimsy Premise: An Audio Track

Squeak of opening door. Footsteps. Smell of chlorine.

"I completely don't see why this is necessary. All I want is to work out for a bit in peace. It's after hours. There's no one here."

"Roman, that's exactly why. There's a dangerous ring of drug traffickers on the loose, and you've been targeted by one before. Besides, Detective Koch said not to take any chances."

Annoyed huffing. "Your boss is paranoid, just like you are. And Bulle's dead."

Sound of cloth being rubbed on metal. "Yeah, but-"

"And would you _please_ stop polishing your damn badge. It's irritating."

More sounds of cloth being rubbed on metal. "Detective Koch said you can tell from the way an officer keeps his uniform in order whether he's a good cop or not. She said attention to detail matters. She also said-"

Annoyed groan. "For the love of god, Deniz, quit starting every other sentence with _Detective Koch said_. You've been working for the woman for three weeks and I already wish I'd never heard her name."

"Oh, stop whining. I thought you wanted to work out."

Sniffing. "I do. Although I still don't see why I need a police escort for lifting weights."

A sigh. "I've told you. The drug traffickers-"

"-are not going to bother with _me_. That's crazy conspiracy theory cop rookie logic."

"Axel got knocked out the other day."

"Yeah, well, who wouldn't want to knock out Axel? One of the reception girls probably took advantage of all the cocaine ring panic and hit Axel just to blame it on the poor coke dealers." Snickering. "I kinda wish I'd thought of it myself."

"Still. I'm not taking any chances."

Sudden shift in tone. "I think this premise is highly flimsy, Officer Öztürk."

"…"

Sound of hand sliding over fabric. "So flimsy, in fact, that if _I_ were an investigator, I would have to deduce, based on the improbability of your reasoning…"

Hitched breath.

"…and certain physical cues, that you're in fact only here to watch me take off my clothes and sweat."

"Mhmm… wait, what? What physical cues?"

Audible smirk. "That very fetching flush, Officer, and the way you swiped your tongue over your lips just now."

"That… is not… conclusive evidence."

" _This_ is."

Gasping. "Roman!"

Sound of tongue rasping over stubble. Very soft whisper. "Yes?"

"This constitutes assault on an… oh, the hell with it. C'mere, you."

 _Whoosh_. Sound of back hitting wall. "Oof."

Soft, wet noises. Cloth sliding on cloth. Nuzzling. "Mhm. You smell good."

Giggling. "Is that a gun in your holster or are you just happy to- mmmphhhmm."

More wet noises. Whispering. "Shut… up."

"Make… me… aah."

Amused exhalation. "I love your nipples. Works every time."

"Don't… stop."

Sound of tongue, circling. Lick. Lick. Scrape of teeth.

Squirming. Laboured breathing. Small moans.

Fingers sliding into pocket. Brush against plastic. Choked laughter. "And here's the final piece of evidence. I doubt lube is part of standard Essen police equipment."

Sheepish silence. Defiant kissing noises.

"Mhmm."

"Mhhhhmmmm."

Rustling noise across lobby. Sudden arrest of movement. "Deniz."

"Mhmmm."

Frantic patting of hand on shoulder. " _Deniz_!"

"Ngghh- hmmm, whut?"

"Over there! Behind the bar! I just saw…"

Soft thud.

"There's someone there."

Dead silence. Sound of hand being dropped on metal. Throat being cleared, loudly. "Who's there?"

Shifting. Quick shove, hissed voice. "No, Roman, stay behind me. They might be armed." Loudly: "This is the police. Come out of there, whoever you are, and keep your hands where I can see them!"

Silence. Sounds of two pairs of footsteps, creeping towards bar.

"Do you think-"

"Shhhhhhh!"

Sudden scramble behind bar. Light footsteps, running.

"Hey! FREEZE!"

"Shit, Deniz, don't shoot, that's just a kid!"

"Stop! Hey, you, I said stop!"

Heavier footsteps in pursuit. Sudden impact, followed by two bodies hitting floor. Scuffle.

"Hold still, or I'll-"

"Get off me, you bastard!"

"Deniz, be careful!"

Struggling noises. Indignant yelp. "Deniz, you total _aşağılık herif_! Get the fuck off me!"

Sudden cessation of noise. Total absence of breathing followed by air suddenly sucked sharply between teeth. "I don't fucking believe it. Kim?!"

Audible sneer. Huffy noise. "Yeah. 'Sup."

"Oh my god."

"Feel free to call me that if you like. Ow!"

Footsteps edging closer. "Deniz? Do you know this kid?"

"I'm not a kid!"

Sounds of body being dragged to feet. Continued sounds of resistance. "You were last time I saw you. Kim, what the fuck-"

"Yeah, four years ago. Thanks for all the phone calls, asshole."

Stunned silence.

"Could someone let me know what the hell is going on here?! Who's the sugar crumpet?"

"What did you call me, fudgepacker?"

Sharp sound of slap, followed by yelp. Deadly soft voice: "If you ever talk to my boyfriend that way again, I'll teach you the meaning of pain."

"Deniz, is that…"

Sounds of muted wrestling. "The sugar crumpet…"

"Let go of me, you sadistic fuck, or I'll tell Mum!"

"…is – stop trying to bite me or I'll swear I'll handcuff you – is my brother."

Resounding silence, except for continued sounds of wrestling.

"Oh hell."

"Yeah."

"Huh. He looks like you."

"The hell I do! Let go of me, asswipe, or I'll smash your face in!"

Chuckling. "Sounds like you, too."

Sounds of struggle stopping. Harsh breathing. "Deniiiiiiz. You're hurting me."

"Quit fighting and I won't have to. Does Mum know you're here?"

Silence. Squirming.

"Alkim Öztürk, I asked you a question. Does. Mum. Know. You're. Here?"

"Ow! Stop twisting my arm. Mum kicked me out, okay? Happy now?" Suspiciously thick voice.

Muttered swearing.

"So now you're what, dealing drugs? Here of all places? Do you have any idea how much trouble you're in?"

Rebellious silence.

"Answer me!"

"Ow! I'll report you for child abuse!"

Dismissive grunt. "I thought you weren't a child. Also, I have it on good authority that our judiciary system frowns more on actual drug dealing than a few bruises on an arrested dealer."

"I'm not dealing, okay? I only disable the cameras and security systems for them. Sheesh."

Pause. Sigh. "Jesus, Kim. Why didn't you just come to me?"

Shrug. Sniff.

Throat clearing. Gentle tone. "Uh… it's Alkim, right? Where are you staying?"

"Roman!"

"What?"

Spluttering. "You can't just… I ought to arrest him!"

"Deniz, you can't arrest him, he's your brother. Besides, look at him. He's all skin and bones. When did you last eat, kiddo?"

Silence.

Grumble. Controlled voice. "Alright, fine. You're coming with us. For some food and a shower, 'cause you stink. And then you can tell me what the hell happened. Okay?"

Incomprehensible mumbling.

"This is Roman, by the way. My partner."

"Er, by 'partner', he means 'person I live with and shag.' Not cop partner, because... ew."

"Yeah, I could kinda tell from all the macking."

"Shut your mouth. Let's go."

Sound of clothes being straightened. Hair being smoothed back.

Soft whistle of amazement. "Whoa. He even moves like you."

Contemptuous snort.

Awkward silence. Shuffling. "Well, are we going to this mythical place of yours?" Long pause. "What are you looking at?"

Sudden steps, alarmed noise. "Oof! What the… oh. Mphm."

Sound of hair being ruffled. Muffled voice. "Good to see you, _yaramaz_."

"Ngaaah. Whatever. Stop squishing me."

Amused cough.

Warning tone. "Not a word from you, Roman."

"Didn't say anything." Grinning.

Long sigh. "Okay. Let's go home."


End file.
